My Navi
by Issey
Summary: Tatiana reflects on her past, and questions some of the things that have happened during the duration of her attendence at the officer academy, more specifically, the relationship between herself and Alistia.
1. Lies: My Past

**My Navi  
**_Part I: Lies and the Liar Who Told Them - My Past_

* * *

Have you ever lied to someone?  
As virtuous as you'd like to think yourself to be, I have no doubts in my mind that you answered "yes" to that question. Fact is, most of us have lied at one point or another. Unless you're a sick, pathological liar, you probably have reasons for all your lies, reasons you could explain.   
Lies are lies, and I for one have never stood by them. Undoubtedly, there are exceptions. There are times you might need to lie to save others or yourself.  
Does a good reason excuse a lie?  
I don't think it does. A reason explains why you lied, it helps others understand why you did what you did. Whether it was for the best or not, I don't think a lie can be excused. Even if it is understood.  
I've always considered myself to be an honest person. Maybe rudely so. If I tell you the truth and it hurts you, then feel the pain. I have no concern for the feelings of those who can't face reality. If you can't face reality, then you aren't really living at all. To me, you're only an empty shell. I can't respect those who don't make an effort to live, because every day of my life, it's what I strive to do.  
I'm sure you know that difficulty in life is subjective. I don't really care if you think that what I've gone through was difficult, but I think it was, in its own right. I'll explain it, and leave it to you to decide.  
I had a somewhat comfortable childhood. I wasn't famished, but my family wasn't well off, either. My family wasn't as wealthy as they should have been. You see, my father was what you would call a "left-behind noble." During the rapid expansion and development of my hometown, my family, along with a number of others of noble heritage, did not receive the guaranteed plots of land that the government traditionally granted. Abandoned by a government that promised to take care of us, I did not live the privileged lifestyle that earlier generations of the Wisla family experienced.  
Despite our fall down the economic ladder, I still found the same pressures thrust upon me. My parents pressured me to succeed, to preserve the Wisla family's honor, despite our unfortunate situation.  
I went on to become the top graduate of the officer academy, and became an extremely skilled vanship pilot. I had no doubts about my skill. But, I couldn't tell my parents my true intentions, how my plans differed from their vision of "Wisla honor." I wrote a letter to my mother, telling her that my goal was to become a full-fledged Anatoure military officer in command of a ship, with the aspiration of engaging a Deusis battleship and emerging successfully. That with my best friend, I could do it.  
I haven't seen my parents in over four years. My father was in poor health when I left for the academy, and it only worsened. I'm sure my mother read my letters to him, and he died believing every word. Or maybe he never believed it at all. I'd like to think that he did though, because while I realize I should have written the truth, my father's health was fading quickly, and my mother was losing energy taking care of him. Neither of them would have approved my choices, and I don't think they could have handled it.  
I still wish I could have told them the truth.  
I met my best friend at the officer academy. I remembered seeing her face at a couple of the orientation classes, but I never gave it a second thought. One day, the female group lined up in alphabetical order in the barracks. To be honest, I really didn't want to bunk with the girl next to me, she was careless, stupid, and a little cocky. We already had to work together for a multitude of drills and activities earlier in the day, I didn't want to _bunk_ with her as well. To my relief, after we lined up alphabetically, our bunkmates were selected at random, our names announced in pairs.  
This was how I met Alistia Agrew.  
Alistia, being closer to the bunk, arrived there first. I quickly made my way to the bunk. As I approached the bunk, Alistia smiled at me kindly, ever so slightly. It was subtle, but direct, and I knew right away that I might have a hard time avoiding conversation. So far, I despised everyone at the academy, I didn't expect her to be any different. She might just try to talk to me. I decided early on not to give her the impression that I was here to make friends.  
After all the bunks were assigned, our drill instructor announced the activities for tomorrow and walked out.  
I carried my bags over to the bunk. I visually scanned the bunk, located the steel chest at the end of the bunk, and started loading my things in.  
I finished unpacking and stood up. I looked up to see Alistia just standing there, looking at me. What for? I wondered.  
"I'm Alistia Agrew," Alistia walked over to me, with her hand extended, in a motion that I assumed was an offer for a handshake.  
I must have given her a strange look, because she quickly added, "I know you already know my name, but I'd really like a formal introduction."  
"Oh," I said disinterestedly, and glanced over at the bunk. "Top or bottom?"  
"Huh? Oh... well..." Alistia's eyes travelled to the bunk momentarily before turning back to me, and saying, with the same slight smile on her face, "it's up to you, it's all the same to me."  
Her kindness was starting to irritate me. "Why do you have to make things so difficult?" I muttered, before climbing up the ladder to the top bunk.  
Despite the long day, I was having some difficulty sleeping. It wasn't just the harshness of such a drastically different environment, it wasn't that I was homesick, or that I was worried about the tasks and obstacles that lay before me, but something else altogether. I couldn't erase the image of Alistia's sadly quizzical expression when I blatantly displayed my disinterest in her kindness. I muttered "Why do you have to make things so difficult?" and she heard every word clearly. She seemed saddened by my words, and even though I held the presumption that her feelings didn't matter to me as I uttered them, it _bothered me somehow_. I couldn't get that sad look out of my head.  
Alistia and I did not speak to each other for at least two weeks, maybe more. Sometimes in class, I caught her glancing at me, but every time I looked at her, she would quickly turn away. I was under the impression that she wished to speak to me, but was extremely hesitant to do so, after our inauspicious first encounter.  
I knew early on that I would become a vanship pilot. Everything about it appealed to me. To fly a vanship, in my mind, was the ultimate escape; the closest thing to freedom I would ever encounter in this war-torn world. In the skies, there is only myself and the boundless expanse of my dreams.  
However, at the officer academy, while specialization begins fairly early, we were still required to learn how to do a myriad of different tasks, in the case that we may need to undertake other roles. Some of the physical drills we were subjected to were trying and extremely difficult. While definitely anything but easy, I was able to get through these at a highly desired pace, setting the standard for many of the other cadets.  
During one of the drills, we were required to climb over a fairly steep wall. This was a drill that I normally excelled at, but that day, my mind was elsewhere. I honestly can't recall now, but whatever it was, it disrupted my concentration. About halfway up the wall, I lost footing and lost my grip on the safety rope. I tried to land on both feet, but that was met without success. I landed on one foot, which absorbed all the impact.  
I was carried to the clinic on a stretcher.  
I broke my ankle. As highly inconvenient as it was, it meant that I wouldn't have to do any physical drills until it healed, and I could read up on vanship piloting while I was laid up. And according to the doctor, I could be laid up anywhere from six weeks to several months. She emphasized that it wasn't broken too badly, with infinitesimal damage to the ligaments, so it was more than likely that I'd be sitting around for two months, not much more. It was a vacation that came at a price, but a price I was willing to pay.  
That night, I was sitting in a relaxed position in my bunk, reading _Vinship_, a vintage vanship aficionado magazine. I didn't consider myself a big fan of vintage vanships, but it was interesting to flip through anyway. Slowly, the other female cadets walked into the barrack, many in pleasant conversation, settling down at their respective bunks. I knew this because I heard them, but I only recall looking up from my magazine once or twice. I flipped through a few more pages and looked at some of the full-page, vivid photographs. I distinctly remember one "before" picture of a dilapidated, jalopy of a vanship with a dull, rusted body. It was so decrepit, that some panels rusted right through, revealing jagged, shallow holes where a shiny, strong alloy panel once filled. And an "after" with an impeccably restored vanship, with an eye-catching glistening red paint job, all panels repaired, all parts polished, better than new. I don't care about restoring vanships, but if you saw how people restored them, you would be flipping through _Vinship_, too.  
Before I knew it, the curfew began and the lights were off. This meant that I couldn't finish my magazine. Slightly irritated, I stuffed my magazine under my pillow, folded my arms behind my head, and stared up into the darkness. My eyes were still adjusting to the darkness, and maybe that's why what happened next startled me.  
"I saw what happened to you today. I was right next to you when you fell. I tried to help, but it all happened so fast..." Alistia's voice rang in the darkness. "How are you feeling?"  
I began to see some of the plain features of the ceiling. Small, tiny holes in the square panels that made up the ceiling. I started to count them, one by one. I wanted to ignore her so badly. I couldn't help but think of responses, and it kept making me lose count of the pores in the ceiling.  
I heard some shuffling beneath me. "I know we got off to a bad start, and I'm really not sure why it happened that way," Alistia paused as if to gather her thoughts, then continued, "but we _are_ bunkmates, and I think it'd be good if we got along a little better."  
She had a point. I stopped counting holes. "All right," was all I could manage to say. Deep inside, I knew I owed her an apology, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I kept telling myself that she was inconsequential, and that I had no reason to apologize. But, I was only lying to myself.  
She sounded relieved. "I'm glad."  
There was a very long silence. I wasn't sure if she fell asleep or not. "Alistia...?"  
"Yes?"  
I have to admit I was taken aback. I was expecting silence. Now that she responded, I didn't know what to say, I hadn't expected a response. Luckily, I didn't need to think of one. "Oh, you didn't get around to answering my question earlier. How are you feeling?"  
"I'm feeling all right... I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt, though."  
"I saw you fall, but the instructor was urging us to keep climbing, so I couldn't see what happened next. Where did you hurt yourself?"  
"I broke my ankle."  
"Are you going home?"  
"No way. I just won't be participating in any physical drills for a while."  
I heard a stifled giggle from Alistia, before she continued, "Oh, it's nothing you'll miss."  
"Climbing into bed is a real pain, though. I can't put pressure on my ankle, so it takes me a really long time to climb up."  
"How about switching spots for a while?"  
"You mean, you'll take the top bunk, while I take the bottom?"  
"Right. Until your ankle heals. It'll be easier for you, won't it?"  
I have to admit I was rendered speechless for a moment. Despite my unpleasant disposition earlier, she still maintained a specific level of kindness and dignity. It was at this moment that I felt respect for Alistia. She wasn't just anyone. It takes someone different to do what she has done. I was consciously lying to myself, making excuses for not treating her with mutual kindness and respect, but at this particular moment, those pills of lies couldn't hold up once drowned in truth. They simply dissolved.  
There was so much I wanted to say, I wanted to tell her that I respected her, that I was sorry for the way I acted earlier, but all I could express was one simple sentiment.  
"Thank you, Alistia."  
"Please, just call me Alis."  
"All right, Alis." 

Things were still awkward for a while, but I gradually warmed up to Alistia. I attended classes normally, with the exception of physical training, ate meals with everyone else, and spent most of my time lying in my bed reading. Alistia slowly insinuated herself into my life. At night, we would have hushed conversations. I wasn't one to fall asleep immediately, and neither was she, and I greatly enjoyed her company. I believed the feeling to be mutual. Sometimes we would talk about our day, and sometimes our opinions on various matters. Our conversations never got too detailed, however, due to the lack of privacy in the barrack.  
Soon, however, this was about to change.  
One day, at the beginning of engineering class, we were given a psychological test. The test was about 18 pages long, and measured many different aspects of our psyche. After we completed the test, our instructor told us that it determined the best role for us in the Anatoure forces. The results of the psychological exam, in addition to our performance records, physical and academic, would decide our future in the Anatoure military.  
As you've probably guessed, this was where I became a vanship pilot.  
On that day, Alistia and I officially became a pilot and navigator duo. After our promotion from the first year of the academy, we were given better rooms. We gained more autonomy, we were able to select our roommates. Of course, for me, there was none other than Alistia to fill that role.  
With the increased privacy, Alistia and I grew closer. We were able to share more personal stories of our pasts. We resumed our nightly talks, and this time, they became more engaging than ever. By the end of our stay at the academy, we became inseparable. Alistia, who wasn't in my favor initially, became the best friend I referred to in the last letter to my family.

Alistia and I have never had what you might call "rough times." Of course, even the best of friends will have some difficulties, but with Alistia and I, there simply weren't. Until the intervention of another cadet at the academy during our second year.   
It was an ordinary day, Alistia and I were flying a vanship, doing the usual practice procedures. After we finished and climbed out, a tall young man with bright blue eyes and short, parted brown hair walked up to us and remarked that he thought we made a great team. He introduced himself as Hjalmar, a third-year student and made no effort to hide his attraction towards Alistia. Alistia might not have noticed, but_ I _noticed. I figured he was probably directing that compliment towards her, and only used it as a springboard to approach her. _What a stupid jerk_. He even looked ugly. Alistia thanked him for his compliment, while I only glared at him as he wistfully stared at her. He probably didn't notice my glare, but if he _did_ glance at me, even momentarily, he would feel my wrath. And I kept _hoping_ that he would look at me, so he would see how easily I saw through his facade, even though my best friend Alistia didn't.  
Hjalmar began appearing with increasing frequency. I was convinced that this loser was a stalker. He _had _to be. And every time, he would shower us with compliments, more notably, Alistia. About her great navigational abilities and such. How he'd never seen a better navigator himself. How he'd love to have her be his navigator one day. You get the idea, thinking about it is pissing me off.  
Once, during dinner, Alistia and I were talking about our flying exercise for the day and how we could have improved. Things we normally talk about during dinner. I was enjoying myself, when... you guessed it, Hjalmar waltzed over, sat down right next to Alistia, and as if to add insult to the injury, turned his head to face her whenever he spoke, his face inches away. Could he have been more obvious? But, Alistia seemed to enjoy his company, and as her friend, I knew I had to respect her. Though I didn't respect him, if she really did find him to be a pleasant conversationalist, then I respected her opinion, regardless of whether I agreed. So I kept my mouth shut and watched him flirt with her, while she gave him her undivided attention. Looking at them was highly unappetizing, but I looked down at my food anyway. I figured it was the lesser of the two evils.  
He began dining with us on a daily basis.  
As straightforward as I considered myself to be, this was something I couldn't talk about with Alistia. Besides, I didn't really care anyway. So Alistia liked some idiotic guy whom I had absolutely no respect for. That was none of my business. I didn't care. She could do whatever she wished, and if that meant ignoring me and listening to some stupid pseudo-intellectual third-year hotshot babble on incoherently about his innate abilities and talents, what could I say. Maybe Alistia wasn't as intelligent as I thought she was.  
Several weeks after Hjalmar started dining with us, I began to grow weary of this part of our routine. My day would be wonderful, and here he would be, messing up my routine. Once, instead of going directly to dinner with Alistia, as we walked to the mess hall, I made up some excuse. I told her that I had something to do, and that I would meet her later. She seemed surprised, her lips parted as if to say something. Maybe she did say something. I don't know, I didn't hear it, and I don't think I'll never know. I briskly walked away.  
I spent close to an hour or so walking around. I couldn't understand why I was so angry. I kept telling myself that I didn't care, but somehow, I did. _I did care_. But I couldn't admit it to myself, and every time I got close to admitting it, it only angered me more. After some more wandering, I decided to go back to my room.  
When I opened the door, I saw Hjalmar and Alistia standing in the middle of the room, inches away. Hjalmar had the strangest look on his face -- not that he ever looked normal anyway, and he inched closer, in a motion to kiss her. This was too much. Alistia glanced at me, before I slammed the door and ran down the hallway. I couldn't stand it anymore. I walked over to the elevator, tapped the button repeatedly -- of course, knowing that it wouldn't speed the process up -- and as the doors slid open, I walked into the empty elevator and sat in the corner. I wrapped my arms around my legs and pulled my knees up to my face, akin to a fetal position, and just sat. The doors slowly slid shut. I don't know how long I sat there, but eventually the doors slid open, and different people walked in and out. Some I recognized, some I didn't. In a way, I secretly hoped that one of my friends would step in and notice my position, but I somehow knew that wouldn't happen. And so I sat there. I overheard random conversations, but none of them really registered. I was there, physically, but I really couldn't hear what they were saying. Most of it sounded oddly distant, like I had ear plugs stuffed into my ears. There were random words that would strike me with crystallized clarity, before the rest of the sentence got sucked into a black hole. It didn't really make any sense to me at the time, but that wasn't what I thought about. My mind, at the time, was surprisingly blank. I didn't know what to think. What about Hjalmar and Alistia kissing upset me so much? Why of course, it's because he's a stupid jerk who thinks the world of himself and I'm protecting my best friend. _No. Somehow, it didn't feel right._ I felt the answer lurking somewhere in me, but I didn't have the strength to extract it alone.  
After running in mental circles for some time, I finally decided to get up and go home. I stood up, pressed the appropriate number for my floor, walked out, walked to my room, and stood outside the door. I was hesitant to open the door... who knows what I might do if I saw more than I bargained for. I felt a wave of sickness and disgust at the very idea, and paused until that feeling subsided. I took a deep breath, slid my id key into the lock, pressed the key code, and the door slid open. I only saw Alistia sitting at the edge of her bed, looking down at the floor, almost dejectedly. I stepped in, pressed a switch next to the door, and it slid shut.  
"Alis... I..."  
Alistia looked up at me sadly. I didn't know how to continue. "...I'm sorry for running out like that. Truth is, I wasn't feeling too well, and you know, you two seemed busy, so it all worked out just fine, right?"  
"Tatiana... why won't you tell me the truth?"  
"That was the truth."  
"No, it wasn't. Please, Tatiana, why when I need to hear the truth the most, you hide it from me?" I was taken aback when I saw tears pooling around the bottom ledges of her eyes.  
I felt like a statue. What a terrible feeling it was. It wasn't always a bad thing to be a statue. I've always kept a cool exterior, always detached. It made me look solid and strong. But now, standing here, stiff and distant like a statue, I realized that being detached made you devoid of life, the chunk of rock that no one cares about because it never moves, the one that gets left behind because it cannot change, the one that gets crapped on by the pigeons. But, if you never lived in the first place, how could you come to life?  
"What do you want me to say? For all I know, I could tell you the truth, and you'd still think I was lying."  
Alistia ignored my question and asked me some of her own. "What do you think about Hjalmar? Does he bother you? What do you think about Hjalmar and me?"  
"I don't care about him."  
"Tatiana... why did you leave?"  
"I told you why."  
Alistia smoothed out the wrinkles in her uniform, stood up, walked over to me, and stood facing me, just inches away from my face. We said nothing for what felt like hours. Realistically though, I'd say it was a few minutes. She tilted her head forward and nuzzled her face in my shoulder. I couldn't understand why. She moved her head slightly and her lips gently grazed my neck. She left a faint, subtle kiss. Not unlike the smile she flashed me when we first met.  
Before I could figure any of this out, she walked back to her bed and sat down.  
I shut off the lights, walked over to my bed, and collapsed on top of it. That night, I surprisingly fell asleep instantaneously.  
The next day, we didn't see Hjalmar. We never saw him again after that day. Things were awkward between Alistia and I, but gradually, we forgot about that night, and everything reverted to normal. Despite the passing of time, there was one thing I made sure never to do.  
I never mentioned that night. Neither did she.

Two years later, it was the night before our graduation. The day was before us, but things proceeded normally. Everything felt awkward, because everything felt so _normal_. I'm not sure if that really makes sense, but I won't try to explain any further. After dinner, Alistia and I went back to our room. An eerie silence pervaded the room. I didn't know what to say, and her silence wasn't assisting me.  
I wasn't really sure what was going to become of us now. Just yesterday, the day before that, and every other day before, it never occurred to me that there would be an end. Of course, I knew it all along, but I didn't feel it until that night. And so, I couldn't do what I normally did. Because I didn't think how I normally thought.  
Time passed, the routine went on as usual. Soon, Alistia flicked the light switch off and crawled into her bed on the other side of the room, while I already lay in mine. Normally, we'd keep on talking despite the darkness, but this time, I felt as if there was nothing to say. Did she feel the same?  
"Alis... what will we do after tomorrow?"  
"We'll do what we always do. We'll find a future together, won't we Tatiana?"  
"With you, I know I can do anything."

Part 1 End.

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Obligatory copyright information: _Last Exile_ and its characters are the property of Geneon/Pioneer. I do not profit from this in any way or form. 

Author's Note:  
Hello there, I hope you enjoyed my first Last Exile fan fiction. I've seen tons of Claus/Lavie, Alex/Sophia fan fiction, but I didn't recall seeing any Alistia/Tatiana fan fiction when there seemed to be substantial content in the series suggesting a possible romantic attraction between them. I attempted to give the technology a retro-futuristic feel, modelled after the series, and Tatiana's paradoxical nature was intended, so please, no complaints about that.

Thanks for your time, I hope you will leave this story with high expectations for Part 2!


	2. The Truth of Tomorrow

**My Navi  
**_Part 2: The Truth of Tomorrow_

* * *

I've been sitting in this same exact spot for a long time. Truth is, Alistia and I haven't spoken to each other since the day of our graduation. We never created the future she said we would create, and it's fine with me, because I never expected a future so bright in the first place. It's been a while since I've last seen her.  
To pass the time, I've been doing deliveries with an old, rusted vanship. Somehow, a life on an Anatoure vessel doesn't appeal to me. I can't decide where to go next in my life. Since I've left the academy, I've lost all sense of direction. I'm piloting through my life without my navi to guide me.  
I get up from the bench I've been sitting at. I walk forward about two feet, fold my arms, and rest them on the railing. It's a chilly autumn evening, I can feel the slight sting of the foretelling breeze, one that alerts me with each nip that winter is drawing nearer. But, forget the weather. As the sun sets, I can see the lake in front of me, surrounded by a bombardment of lights. The ambience this environment creates is interesting, because the sky above me is a combination of deep blues and purples. It's not quite dark, but it's late enough that the lights are on and I can see their glow over the water. I look down at the water and I can faintly see my reflection.   
I can't exactly put my finger on it, but I have the sinking feeling that the person staring back at me has lost something. She can see me from where she is, but she can't reach me, and so she sinks farther and farther, into the dark, murky depths of my past, until we both forget why she was at the surface in the first place.  
Looking at my reflection is getting to be sickening, so I back up and sit down on the bench once again. However, when I sit down, I fail to notice an elderly man sitting next to me, at the edge of the bench.  
"Eve'nin's a good time ta think, eh?"  
I'm going to ignore this guy. My life is none of his business.  
Even though I haven't responded, he chooses to continue. _What an annoyance. "_I been here as many times as I can remember. The scene's changed quite a bit, but the way it calms me ain't like any other."  
I keep ignoring him, but my silence doesn't seem to faze him.  
"All the time, we always wan' ta be with some people, and when we got the people, we forget how hard it was ta be wit' 'em, and we wan' ta be alone all over. Then when we is alone, we wan' people again! That's the problem with people, we don't know what...uh... we want.  
"I still remember the first time I came here. I was a boy, and my mother and father got inta some fight, no fists or nothin', but you know, the kind where you just shout at each otha? I still don't know what that was all about, but I do remembers the impression it gave me. I ran out crying, and I came to this bench right here. Those days, things didn't look all fancy and bright like this. I looked up at the sky, and was thinkin' but it's so funny, I can't remembers what it was I was thinkin' about. When I went home, my mother had left, and she ain't never came back.  
"I know the ramblin's of an old man ain't in-ter-es-tin' to a young girl like you, but if you ever come back to this spot, you ought to remembers what I said, 'cause you can learn from my mistake."  
After a few more minutes of silence, the old man sighs, slowly stands up, and walks away. I fold back the sleeve of my sweater to reveal the time. It's nearly six. A lot more than a few minutes have passed.  
I can't understand what took place that night, even after all this time. Night after night, I've tried to figure it out. Did Alistia ever know how I felt about Hjalmar? Did she know how much I disliked him? Did she know why I ran away? And what of... that kiss she gave me? Was it a kiss? Maybe it was all in my mind.  
On graduation day, after the ceremony, she told me that she would be living with her parents temporarily until she could find an Anatoure ship she could serve. I told her the same, but truth was, I didn't know what I was going to do. So I took whatever little money my parents gave me before I left for the academy, and bought an aged, rusty old vanship. I had just enough for one week's rent in a small shack in Anatoure, but that was enough for me. I began doing deliveries with my vanship, and being the skilled vanship pilot I am, I became known as the fastest vanship carrier around. After doing delivery after delivery, I was able to move into a slightly better place. Life wasn't exactly comfortable, but when was it ever? I was doing fine.  
Even so, I couldn't write to my parents because I couldn't bring myself to write more lies. At the time I wrote that last letter, even I, myself, was not certain of my future. I didn't know if Alistia would be with me, and I definitely wasn't eager to serve on an Anatoure ship. How could I write another letter filled with more lies? I lied to myself and my parents then, but I can't lie now.  
The last six months have been lonely, I'll admit, but I've been doing just fine.  
Just a few minutes after six, I feel someone sit next to me, on the other end of the bench. I glance over to my left and Alistia is sitting there, staring at me right in the face. I'm not quite sure what to say. I must have looked strange from afar, just a lonesome stranger sitting on a bench, staring at a lake, quite possibly deep in thought. I feel a wave of dread. I must have looked pretty stupid from afar. 

I successfully completed an eight-star delivery to the Silvana. I didn't know what it was, all I knew was that I had to bring a parcel to Alex Row, of the Silvana. There were some insane Guild chasers on my tail, but they underestimated my skills. I outflew them, and arrived on the Silvana unscathed. Well, almost. My vanship was smoking at the rear, and wouldn't be able to fly again. But, I did successfully complete my delivery, and I was positive that the money I would receive from such a mission would be more than enough to repair my vanship, if not enough to buy myself a new one.  
The captain of the Silvana, Alex Row, seemed very impressed by my skills. He asked me if I would be interested in serving as a pilot on the Silvana. I thanked him for the offer, told him I would consider it, but said that I had things to take care of at home. He seemed to understand that, and as soon as the mechanics on the Silvana repaired my vanship, I flew home.  
That was a few weeks ago. 

With the money I got from my delivery, I decided that I was going to move into a better home. I began to pack some of my things. Last week, I was rummaging through my belongings, when I found a small, folded piece of paper. I unfolded it, and Alistia's address was on it, in her handwriting. I sat on the floor and stared at the paper in my hand. At that moment, I realized that it wasn't too late. I took out a sheet of paper of my own, and began to write. 

_Alis,   
I hope you still remember who this is. I'm very busy. Sorry. Couldn't write earlier. How are you? I was wondering if you would like to meet me some time. I don't have much time, if you agree to meet with me, how about next week, on the fifteenth, at six? I plan to be there regardless, so if you can't make it, it's nothing important. I won't be home for a few days, so if you write back, I might not receive it. Take care. Tatiana._

I ran out of my home and hurriedly mailed the letter. After the excitement of getting the letter in the mailbox, I slowly walked home. While it was true I wouldn't be home for a few days, I had a lot of time to write a letter to Alistia, but I didn't. I felt bad about lying, but how could I begin to tell her the truth? "Things were awkward since I saw you last, so I decided that I wouldn't write to you. And by the way, I've moved and never bothered telling you my new address, so you could never contact me, because I think we have an unresolved past?" No way that would fly. 

And so, here I am. "Hey, Alis." I try to smile, but never have I found it so difficult to smile.  
"Hi, Tatiana."  
"How are you?"  
"I'm okay. What about you? I heard you were busy," Alistia says with a playfully teasing smile on her face.  
"Sort of," I respond shyly. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I know Alistia sees through it.  
"I'm glad you wrote me. I'm a little embarrassed to say this, but I checked the mail every day, hoping that I would find a letter from you. Days passed, then months, and still, nothing. I almost lost hope, when I received your letter last week. I noticed you didn't write a return address on the envelope or on the letter, are you still living with your parents?"  
I look away. She must've known what this meant.  
"I don't have too much time tonight, I must be getting home in an hour. But, let's do what we can. Please, tell me, how have you been?"  
  
_"How are you feeling?"  
_The grounded earth of my consciousness quakes with force. I can see my past, our past, materializing in my mind.Like the first time we met, I fail to respond. This time, not out of a need to ignore her, but because I don't know what to say. How _have_ I been? I don't even know the answer to that. 

_ "Oh, you didn't get around to answering my question earlier. How are you feeling?"  
"I'm feeling all right... I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt, though."_

Alistia repeated herself. "Tatiana? How have you been?"  
I look up at her with sad smile on my face. "I've been all right. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hurt, though."  
"What do you mean? How are you hurt?" 

_"Where did you hurt yourself?"_

"Alis, I think you know what I mean." Alistia looks at me with the strangest expression on her face. She knows what I meant, but she, for once, doesn't want to admit it to herself, either. I know she knows. She knew then, and she knows now.  
  
_ "What do you think about Hjalmar? Does he bother you? What do you think about Hjalmar and me?"  
What a stupid jerk_. _I began to grow weary of this part of our routine._ _How easily I saw through his facade, even though my best friend Alistia didn't._

I stand up. I can't stand it any longer, I can't sit here while the past replays in my mind, with Alistia here, next to me, refusing to acknowledge what I feel. How could she not know? No, she can't know... of course she doesn't know. She's not a mind reader. If I don't tell her the truth, how could she ever know for sure? I would tell you the truth, Alistia... if I knew it myself. 

_When I opened the door, I saw Hjalmar and Alistia standing in the middle of the room, inches away. Hjalmar had the strangest look on his face -- not that he ever looked normal anyway, and he inched closer, in a motion to kiss her. This was too much. Alistia glanced at me, before I slammed the door and ran down the hallway. I couldn't stand it anymore.  
_The ground quakes with such cataclysmic force that the dikes holding the rushing water crumble under the pressure. The memories come flooding back, and I can't stop them._  
After running in mental circles for some time, I finally decided to get up and go home. I stepped in, pressed a switch next to the door, and it slid shut. Alistia looked up at me sadly. I didn't know how to continue._  
With them, I am swept away.  
_"Tatiana... why did you leave?"  
I was taken aback when I saw tears pooling around the bottom ledges of her eyes.  
_Why _did_ I leave?_  
"Please, Tatiana, why when I need to hear the truth the most, you hide it from me?"  
_Was she waiting for a particular answer?  
If I had said something then, then I would have had a chance. Maybe I still do.  
"Are you leaving?" Alistia's voice snaps me back into the bitterness that is reality.  
I sit down. "No."  
A few moments of silence pass. The discomfort of this silence is really getting to me. "Alis, what happened that night, when you and Hjalmar were in that room?"  
Another uncomfortable silence.  
"Hjalmar tried to kiss me. I made it clear that I wasn't interested, but he got offended, because he thought I liked him too. He respected my wishes, though bitterly, and walked out. I wanted to look for you, Tatiana, but I knew you wanted to be alone. You wouldn't have left like that, if you didn't want to be alone, right?" I hear a slight choke in Alistia's voice, but I'm too afraid to look her in the eye. It sounds like she's on the verge of crying.  
"I'm glad nothing happened between you two. When I left the room, I sat in the elevator the whole time. I didn't want to go home because I didn't want to catch you two in the middle of something. That really would've set me off. I want to know one thing, Alis..."  
"Yes?"  
"Did you ever like Hjalmar?"  
"Not really, no. He seemed like a nice guy at first, but in the end, I felt that he wasn't for me. Besides, I didn't feel anything special towards him. He was always just any other person to me. Why are you asking me this, Tatiana?"  
"I'm relieved."  
"What?"  
"I'm relieved that you never liked him like that."  
"Why do you say that?"  
"He was an arrogant jerk. I didn't like him at all. It was so obvious he was interested in you, it made me so... so..."  
_"Tatiana... why did you leave?"_  
_I left, because I was...  
_"...jealous."_  
_I look over to Alistia, and she has a somewhat confused look on her face. Beneath that confusion though, I can see realization sweep over her face like an unsuppressed plague._  
"_I hated it, Alis. I hated it. I hated how he would interrupt our conversations and start boasting about his achievements. I hated the way he followed us, no, f_ollowed you_ everywhere. I hated him most when he tried to kiss you.He got between us, Alis_._ I felt like I was losing you... and at that moment, when I walked into the room and saw him trying to kiss you, I felt as if I'd already lost you. That's the truth, Alis. That's why I left that night."_  
_ "Tatiana, I..."  
I continue. If I stop, I don't know if I would ever be able to bring myself to tell her the rest. "Since that night, even though I tried to forget about it, things haven't felt the same. You were there, but I felt as if you weren't. Since that night, I feel as if a wall has separated us. That's why, after our graduation from the academy, I made no effort to write you. I couldn't bring myself to, Alis," I felt the tears clawing and digging their way to my eyes. "I lied to you that night, Alis. But this is the truth."  
I hear some shuffling, and I suddenly feel the side of Alistia's body pressed up against mine. I glance over to my left, and Alistia has scooted up right next to me, so close that I almost need to tilt my head back slightly to get a clear look at her face. A solitary tear rolls down my cheek. I've said all that I needed to say, and now I am speechless.  
Alistia looks over to me, and I can see it in her eyes. I feel Alistia's hand gently rest on mine, as if to comfort me, like how she always has. I can feel her fingers wriggling their way into my hand, until our fingers are entwined. Nothing needs to be said. Alistia knows how I feel, and no number of words can express that.  
"Now you know how I feel, Alis..." I say, with regret. Things will never be the same, now I've secured a future without Alistia.  
Alistia shakes her head and smiles before laying her head on my shoulder.   
"Tatiana, now you know how I've always felt."  
An unspoken, mutual understanding passes between us. Our past may have been built on lies, but I know we'll build our future on truth. There have been many times I've felt lost in the world, in my life, and in myself, but tonight, I know I'll fly straight on into the future with my hope, my strength, my dreams, and my navi.   
Gazing up at the sky, I realize that obstacles will never cease to impede our path of flight. But, together, with my navi, I know the future we fly into can only be as resplendent as the stars that blanket the velvety black sky.  
The stars are out and the sun has long since dipped over the horizon, but tonight, time is as endless as the expanse of the universe above us.  
We sit in comfortable silence.

* * *

I hope you enjoyed reading _My Navi_. 

If you have any questions or comments, feel free to e-mail me.


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